Does this matter you?

I was rather alone in my sister’s house. Usually Malu keeps me busy with her little tantrums and cry. But lately I feel lonely, since Malu visiting her Amma Si(My second Sister)along with my Mom. Her absence makes me numb at times. As I am sluggish at bed, my new hobby is to find time in bed sleeping. No good work to do. Sometimes I feel guilty of my mood because I feel I never helped my sister to do household works. But I am doing something. Making me wake up in the morning is rather a troublesome work for Deej and he always complains of not getting a tea made of my hands (“Great great Hands of mine”). Sometimes complaining of me and tells he will never come to me. He has been complaining past 3 years and I haven’t changed even a bit. Before him my dad got the chance for grabbing me off the bed. Now he is not with me and has gone to Gulf for an after-retirement job I should say. Sometimes I feel pity of him doing work at this age. Since Mom is along with me to look after Malu he has no other option rather than busying himself with work. I wanted to pack Mom to his place and settle myself. But Deej is put up at Trivandrum and me in Bangalore is making our life restless and incomplete. We have lot to build up as a family, though we have tasted the fruitfulness of the having it and all in all it was Malu who is the bridge between me and Deej (this is Deejs awesome Dialogue)….

Meanwhile what I noticed lately was that my sis’s son Advaith(Akkudu) have striking resemblance of me. He sleeps like me and needed to be waked up from bed at 9 in the morning, and what my sis says is that-he has my nose!!!!!...Strange but that is genetics and what The Law of Independent Assortment (Mendels Second law) is all about.I find unique qualities that are matching and now I am observing his characters now!!!...Wild at times and Hyperactive…But these qualities differ from me I guess because I am silent and talk less.

Nowadays I keep myself busy in office and come at 8 at home. I roam about in Garuda Mall alone or sometimes with my friends. I lost my PUMA sandals to a dog and I find myself careless. Roaming about alone is good and I used to do that when in Kochi also.These behavior was also noticed in me as I went alone from engineering college to be picked up by everyone who thought I was missing!!!!.In fact I was wandering myself in search of something….”Queer ideas man” .I feel to go about the places alone now also when I feel lonely, but thinking of many rape attacks against women keeps me in my place. Once I told this idea to Deej who laughed and said something rubbish of being attacked by strangers. He had ideas that are vivid and stranger than me and I cannot keep laughing myself. (Confidential though).

At sisters house I am rather silent and everything what I want to talk come only this way…Writing. I think about my sister’s hardworking nature and positive attitude and wanted to learn a lot from her .She balances work and home neatly ,but sometimes brother complains about her(I hate that a little)…but I think that is needed to keep the house in balance. If something went wrong the whole timesheet goes hay way…but that never happens and they adjust their life accordingly.She find less time to pamper her kid, in fact she never did that.She was rather like a more practical kind of girl and tells my mom ,”Don’t pamper and spoil him. I feel she has OCD and rather Mendel’s law fails here …she inherited this from her husband… (Acquired one).In fact I am the one with OCD but cleaning and tidying is not my kind of work. Maybe what doctor told was that only my mind is obsessive of something (rather many) and thinks over it more and more and becomes compulsive .In fact this Doctor is mad I guess…my illness never occurred due to an OCD I think and may be a variation of OCD.The peculiar characteristics of a OCD patient never matched mine and I think what on earth made him say so…

Sometimes I am quizzical and I start mooring over my simple thoughts and get upset. It is neither a serious stuff to be dealt with but I make a mountain out of a mole hill. My senior was advising me on and I was taking everything in a negative sense. The disorder has rotten up my mind that now I find it difficult to put the right thing in the right place. At times I am piously thinking about God and doing all good things and at times I am a devil of myself. Last week I had to build some logic and I don’t know I got so involved in that ,that I stayed awake the whole two nights thinking of how get it right. But neither does that make any sense to me because I am not a geek and never wanted to be one. But I am interested in awards, certificates, fame and all those good things which I never get. The fact that what I cherish the most is lost from me or I will never get that one. Recently I bought an idol which had been a longtime love of mine, but see I couldn’t have a glimpse of it. It is in my sisters “Pooja Room” and now I don’t want it because now she owns it .I forgot to take from her home while visiting Bangalore once. These are all little things that keep my mind thinking of “lost and found in someone else hands”. These are all simple but complicated stuff involves desires of mine, it may be a “lost love” may be a “lost position” or maybe a “lost lost world”. Sentiments are my counterpart, it comes along with me wherever I go, or maybe the ways I think make me sentimental.

Am I writing something which is of interest to you? I don’t know …but rather my own fancies which may make you laugh and that is a good thing and sometimes sad…

See now I am at work and finding myself to write blogs at this hour…though I never put 100 percentage on my job, I am always sincere at work. Because I am only an average go girl and what not I don’t know I am not able to come up to my expectations and that is my greatest worry. I am not doing much of a Godly work. But at least I pay attention to my job and I am serious at work. This is panicking for me because all my effort is not paid off or I get silly comments which keep my mood off.

Will I ever be able to overcome this? Will I be given credits for my work? Will I do good stuffs? Will I be promoted? I never tasted success of a greater degree but what if anyone gets that? How can I overcome my fallacies, how can I learn from my mistakes? Soaring great heights is everyone’s desire but it is a hardship graph we need to face all way, be it at work or mentally or in fact physically also!!!!!!!...Health plays an important part in our life. I show my absence at times due to my carelessness, physical unfitness and what not mental upheaval/outburst.

I don’t know whether all these things did some good reading to you…But these are little little things that moor over and over again and spoils (good) half of my time.